WRITTEN BY Raeeka Yaghmai | Guest Writer | May 07 2018
I experienced relationship breakups 11 times before I found the love of my life. The worst of them was the last one with my fiancé. It was the most painful, because I was under the impression that I had grown out of dating the player type, and I thought if that was over then I was good to go. I didn’t realize that the player was not the only kind of man who can come across as the relationship-ready type...there is also the needy type and the non-committal type, and my fiancé was in the needy category (as well as being an undercover player). This is why I created “The Broken Picker Solution - Stop Dating The Wrong Men NOW!” - it’s essential training that I want every smart, savvy, single woman to have for free (you can pick it up here)!
It took me 12 years and 11 breakups to learn how to feel empowered and confident during that process without feeling resentful and holding a grudge so that I could create the love life I desired. My last break up with my fiancé was such a powerful experience that when I look back at those days, I realize that even though I was experiencing heartache, my heart didn’t close up, and I didn’t hide my heart behind walls of protection, fear or defiance. This is exactly why I was able to move forward and find Tim, the love of my life.
I want to share with you the 3 tips that I put in place immediately (and yes, it’s not easy - but you can do it if you truly want it) after a breakup and heartache to make it a powerful experience, to remain confident in knowing you are deserving of love, and to put you on the path to find love and keep your heart open.
1. Banish the Blame Game
My ex-fiancé broke up with me 3 times. The second time he left, I kept going over what happened and over-analyzing the situation. I got in the habit of blaming myself for everything that happened. My thinking was unhealthy, and my physical health suffered. My weight plummeted down to 93 pounds.
Thinking like this made me feel like I was in control. Unfortunately, I used this kind of control to beat myself up, to apologize for no reason, and to do whatever it took to bring him back.
The last time he left, I finally stopped blaming myself. I took responsibility for my role in the breakup, and I became honest about what I wanted.
When you’re dealing with a breakup, it’s so easy to blame and point a finger at what he did or what you did, and it’s understandable that you’d want to find the reason as to why the relationship didn’t work. Instead, observe what is important to you. Were your needs met? A breakup is an opportunity to take responsibility for what you want and how you can make that happen next time. To create an epic love life, you must take 100% responsibility for the way you show up in every aspect of creating it. Getting lost in blaming will only elongate the process of finding real love.
2. Stop Comparing the New Guy to Your Ex.
Every relationship is unique, and what you experienced with your ex was developed over time. You can’t expect someone new to know you in the same way. Think about starting with a blank slate, where the only things on it are what’s important to you in a relationship, your values, and the goal of getting to know another person.
Analyzing whether he has the same qualities you did and didn’t like in your ex doesn’t allow you the opportunity to really get to know him. And if you’ve done your own self-work and you’ve identified the important qualities you’re looking for in a man and you are taking responsibility for how you show up, you shouldn’t need to compare this new guy to anyone. After all, it’s not about you and anyone else but him, and that gives you the best chance of determining whether he’s a good potential match or not.
Challenge yourself to look at his style and habits and ideas as different rather than better or worse than your ex. You’d want the same courtesy from this new man as well!
3. Don’t Rush the Healing Process.
It’s so tempting to want to “fix” things that are broken and move on. It feels good to fix things, but it’s important to remember that the person who needs the most focus after a breakup is you.
Be kind to yourself. Give your heart time to heal. Even if you’re the one who initiated the breakup, these kinds of shifts in our lives need recovery time. And more than anything, make sure you love yourself in a deep way, meaning in a way where you know how to be self compassionate and show self love. If you’re not sure how, this is a great thing to work on with a coach. You want to become the person you want to date first, and then go out and date. Nothing good will come from expecting the next guy to have any part in healing you and taking your pains away. All that does is set up the process of “wash, rinse, repeat,” and in no time you’re back to being single again. Healing time is important. And even if you don’t feel like you need it, you probably do.
If you’re truly interested in creating the love life you desire and deserve, learn from my past experiences - put these tips into practice right away! You don’t have to go through the cycle of breakups where nothing seems to change. Remember, you are the common denominator to your past relationships, so if you want to change what’s not working and find love with a relationship-ready man, it starts with you. And don’t forget - if you want to know how to be sure your date is a quality, relationship-ready man, you can pick up “The Broken Picker Solution: Stop Dating the Wrong Men NOW” for FREE at www.datingwithconfidencecoaching.com.
To your dating and love life success!